I make choices and usually stick with them. I made a choice one day to move to NYC and I stuck with it for months and eventually after graduation I came here. I was overwhelmed at first. I've been here since June and I still haven't seen most of the city. I love being here, I love the mixture of people, I love the dogs walking everywhere, I love the pizza, I love the shoes!
There are so many things though that I realized I do not love. These things probably stem from me growing up on the West Coast and going to school in the South. I miss having a mall to shop at. With the crazy amounts of stores here it is incredible how I can never find what I need. It took ages to find a dress for a wedding when I needed one, the selection of dresses for the military ball was awful, buying black jeans for a trial bartending shift was almost impossible, and the "perfect beanie" that Xav was looking for did not exist. I hate grocery shopping here. The stores are so small that to get everything I want I have to go to multiple stores or just do without. I also have to carry all my groceries for blocks which really isn't fun. Not only can I not find everything and then have to trudge back to my apartment with heavy bags, but it all costs so much money! Like absurdly expensive. I hate how dirty the subways are and how difficult it is to get to the West Side from the East Side. I hate how taking the subways somewhere that is only five miles away can take an hour. I hate how all taxi rides make me nauseous. I hate how people out here are all about hooking up rather than settling down. The strive for a career keeps men from wanting anything real until basically their 40's (straight or gay!). I hate how buses drive, I don't know how they don't kill more people.
The worst thing about all these little things I hate, is that when I am frustrated and just want to go home and relax I don't feel comfortable. Our apartment is so fucking small. I hate how we don't have a dishwasher, I hate how we don't have a real kitchen, I hate how we don't have a living-room to hang out in. I hate that I got rid of so many things to move out here and I still can't move around in my room because there isn't enough space for all my stuff. I hate that my bed frame is being ruined because I'm using it as a second closet because mine is so small almost nothing fits in it. I hate our bathroom. I hate that there is about two feet of floor space and the only outlet is on the light fixture. I hate that the shower refuses to stay one temperature so I'm always being frozen or scalded at random. I hate not having a dishwasher or counter space in the "kitchen." I hate not having laundry in the apartment or even in the building so I have to walk blocks with my dirty laundry and then pay like five dollars a load! I hate that the toilet sometimes just decides not to work. I hate how the floors are not level so everything rolls like crazy here, including food falling off the stove when we try to cook. I hate how we have had both gas leaks and water leaks and our super is good-for-nothing so he hasn't repaired it at all. I hate our management company because they are assholes. I hate walking up four flights of stairs anytime I come back to the building. I hate that I pay an absurd amount of money for such a shithole.
I hate how NYC people think that they are above everybody else. I hate how they will basically talk down to me because they don't think I know what I am doing. I have a college degree from an amazing university, it's like, get a life people! I hate how people here make their drinks weird and then tell you that you don't know what you are doing. Excuse me, I was trained in Vegas, I know what I'm doing, go to hell! I hate how people who go to school here have the opportunity to intern at amazing places so their resumes are a million times better than mine. I hate that employers ignore me because I didn't have those opportunities. I hate that employers look down on me for not being from the city. I hate that companies out here will back a person who sexually harasses his employees and will turn a victim into the "bad guy." In general, I hate how people out here are snobs.
I will never regret my time in NYC, but the more I think upon it, the more I think this is not the place for me. I have grown as a person and feel more strongly than ever about my convictions to be a writer, but I do not see that future in the concrete jungle of NYC. I need trails to run outdoors and a car to rock out in and space to breath. I miss seeing nature around me, whether it be desert or mountains or woods or just a lot of grass. I'm not sure where home will be for me next. Talking to my parents I think that Colorado sounds like a good spot to go for a while to at least figure it out. I am almost positive right now that I am going to move out there once my lease is up. Live with them for a minute while I find a job and a place to live and a car. I'll take Rufus back and have a little home with my babies and be happy.
