Goals vs What Really Happened (I failed a lot!)

So, over the summer, prior to the semester starting, I drafted two different sets of goals for myself. I originally was going to post those goals and then go back to edit them at the culmination of the semester/year, but I didn't. So, here are the two lists and how I will move forward with them.

1st Semester Goals:

1. 4.0 GPA
1. So.... this one is my biggest disappointment. I received a 95% in my Anatomy and Physiology II Honors class. So, yay to 4.0 in that class. In my Health Assessments class (Nur 112, 3 credits) I earned 963/1000 points, aka a 96%. Once again, 4.0 in that class!!! Finally in my 6 credit, Fundamentals of Nursing class I earned 919.16/1000 points. An A is 920 points. So, at the end of the day I missed my A by 0.84 points. That isn't even one full test question wrong. I am beyond devestated. I appealed the grade, and while I have not heard back on the ruling (I should at some point today), I am 99.999999999% sure that I will still be getting the B and have just pissed off the faculty for the things I said (I told them that a certain policy that allows some people 5 points extra credit, but not people like me who scored in the top 9% of the nation, was unethical and they completely did not see why I feel that way. Oh well). I'm mad at myself, but at the same time, I took on a lot more this semester than most of my classmates and I should still be happy about my performance. Plus, it really makes me motivated to get the A next semester (even though everyone says it is impossible). 
2. Weekly Blog Post
1. So, yea, any of you who have been following my blog know that I failed miserably at this. It may not seem like it, but the blog posts really do take a lot of time. I have to think of a topic and then try to fit in writing between being a mom and being a nursing student. Not easy. I do want to make this a goal for next semester though. I do want to work on my writing. I love writing, it relaxes me, I need to find the time to practice my skill. One day I still plan on being an author, and the only way to do that is to always be writing. So, I failed at this goal this semester, but I am going to attempt it next. Also, if anyone wants to suggest topics to write then I'd love to explore different things with you all! 
3. Weekly Scholarship Application 
1. Yea, I think I did one scholarship app all semester and it was one of the random drawing ones that you don't really have to do anything for. So, here I failed myself miserably. The problem with scholarships is they are extremely time consuming. So, I think that maybe next semester I will plan on one a month, and plan on it being a quality application. 
4. Run (step up schedule to 40 miles a week)
1. I miss running. It used to be my time to clear my head and feel calm. I am not a calm person, I am pretty damned high strung. I need to relax a minute. Unfortunately I didn't even run more than one mile all semester. This is probably one of my biggest regrets. I need to run or at least work out every day. I need to stop making excuses and make time for exercise. So, I will try to attempt this same step up plan next semester. 
5. Read 1 book a month. 
1. Haha, yea with the hundreds of pages we usually had to read each week between my three classes I most definitely did not find time to read anything for pleasure. On top of that, Kiera was sleeping in bed with me every night and insisted on cuddling, which makes holding a book impossible. I know next semester will be miserable when it comes to reading as well, but I am going to attempt this same goal. Cross your fingers that I can put aside a half hour every night to read. 
6. Honors project schedule 
1. So, this one is both a win and a failure. I succeeding in this goal because I completed my poster and it actually won the poster competition for the school. Go me. I failed because I did not follow the schedule that I intended to and then had to rush to put everything together (the weekend before two nursing exams). Perhaps, if I had followed the schedule correctly I would have been able to turn in something even better. There were MANY things I know could be improved. Next semester I am NOT completing an honors project, but God willing, 3rd semester of nursing school I'll be in the nursing honors society and will be doing an honor project again then. 
7. Scrapbook weekly updates
1. So, last year I took all of Kiera's projects and either scanned or photographed them and created a shutterfly album. I also added her extracuricular activities (like birthday parties and her dance program) and made like a yearbook thing for her. My plan was to stay way more on top of her projects this semester (updates every 2 weeks). I actually am even more behind than last year. So, my goal for today is to catch up on all the projects from her two schools today and then hopefully next semester I'll do a better job on this. 

End of 2017 Goals

1. Be in a "fit" shape
1. Well, I tried this at the start of the semester. Rachel and I worked out three days a week at the school for like three weeks. I got three days into a yoga 30 day challenge. Then everything fell apart for me. So, like the running thing, I really just need to find that time to exercise and get my body back to how I like looking. I also need to work on my diet, because yea, it is total shit, which doesn't help anything. So, I will be starting this goal over and intend to follow it through to the summer. I want to ring in 31 looking good and not hating myself for letting myself go. Now that Heather has moved in, we have discussed going to the gym together and getting back to how we looked when we lived in NYC and walked everywhere (I was like 120 back then!)
2. Find a new job
1. So, this isn't really a fail. I decided, along with my parents, that my job would be to be a student and a mother. I have no idea how people do a job on top of being a parent in nursing school. I don't plan on working next semester either. Hopefully over the summer I can get a job and work a lot and then next year work a few hours here and there. 
3. Settle/get money back from lawyer. 
1. My lawyer from my custody battle still has almost 1200 dollars of mine, but I keep forgetting to call them back. The one time I attempted to get in touch with him this year his office said they needed to mail me something, but nothing ever came. 1200 dollars would cover a lot of bills so I really do need to get this accomplished. Now that it is on my mind, I think I will try again today. Wish me luck! 
4. No more than 2 hours a day or 8 hours a week of TV. 
1. I actually did this for the most part. Some days I needed to relax or mom wanted to hang out so we watched the television, but I really didn't spend that much time watching things for myself this semester. I am going to call this a win and I will continue next semester in trying to cut back and do other things to relax. 
5. Find volunteer opportunities
1. Yet another goal that I failed and another goal that I need to work on for the future. Not only is volunteering good for the community, but it's good for the soul  and it's good for my resume. So, I am going to try and do at least one volunteer event in the next few months. 
6. In bed by 8pm, up by 4am. 
1. So my big idea was I could wake up early and get things done and be super fresh for the day by the time class started at 8:30. This didn't even happen once (well I guess it did on days with 6am clinicals, but that doesn't count). I will not be enlisting in this goal again, it was ridiculous. 
7. Stay on top of daily chores. 
1. So, I did this half way. Some days I was really good about making my bed or cleaning up my laundry off the floor. Other days I ignored my dishes because I just didn't have time or didn't even remember to clean the dog pen. 
8. Stop phone addiction
1. I'm going to give myself a win on this. I really didn't fall into the hours of time wasted on my phone that I have in the past. I could still improve on this and I know I will do even better next semester/year. 
9. Keep room orderly
1. So, this didn't really happen, but mostly because my room isn't completed and therefore I don't have enough room for everything to have its own place. For instance, my bookshelf is way too small so it is so it is overly full and I have four other boxes of books strewn about my room. I also bought a cheap dresser while I wait for my custom-made bed to get finished and two of the drawers wont open so now instead of things being neatly place, the other four drawers are overflowing with clothes I cant fit anywhere else. My desk is also just not wide enough for everything I have on it. So, obviously I have a lot of excises, but I am going to try harder despite the obstacles next semester. 
10. Be more involved in school
1. Yes, one I def win! I was elected to student council as the President of my nursing class, so I would say that is involved enough. 

Okay, so yea, I am a big time failure with my goals. While you can see there are a couple that I will throw out, most of them I am just going to refresh for the next 6 months. Hopefully, I will have much better results next time I attempt this list. 

Time flies when you are having "fun"

I'm half-way through my first semester of nursing school and 1/8th completed with the program. It's hard to believe. The weeks are flashing before me and I'm still waiting for it all to hit me.

I've taken four exams in my two nursing classes and I have received a 90% on all of them, save one, in which I received an 84. I'm not used to being a "B" student, and with a 92 being an A, I am far below where I need to be in order to get the GPA I desire. People keep telling me that I should be proud that I am doing so "well," but I wont be proud of myself until I earn the grades I know I am capable of making. I still have eight more exams, the finals, and multiple homework assignments and competency grades left, so I have plenty of room for improving my scores.

We have completed two weeks of clinicals in a real setting. I can't say much about the experience because of HIPPA and other confidentiality agreements, but I can say that it wasn't as hard as I scared myself into thinking it would be. Mind you, it will get harder as we are still only learning the most basic things about being a nurse, but I'm glad that I didn't crash and burn like I was paranoid that I would. My clinical instructor had this to say about me, "You were very attentive, caring, and full of enthusiasm. You tried to be the best you can. I observed that you have good assessment skills and you engaged with the resident assigned to you very well. Continue to be a good team player and maintain your good attitude toward your chosen career." It def felt good reading that and I'm hoping my next clinical rotation teacher sees the same potential in me. I feel like I really lucked out though because my group is pretty awesome and it's great working with them.

Last week we also were informed that it was time to nominate our nursing student class representatives. As of Friday, my name has been officially submitted for the role of President. I know many people have told me they would vote for me, but what people actually do when it comes down to the vote you never know. So, fingers crossed that my peers do chose to elect me to lead the class government.

I wanted to write one blog post a week as I went through nursing school, but it turns out I am terrible at keeping up with this (mostly because I can't imagine that anyone really is that interested in my boring life). I am going to try to do better, but with four more tests this month and only a little over a month to do my honors projects, I can't promise I will find the time for much writing. So, thank you for your time.

XOXO,
KABO

Pain

I have my first nursing school tests on Monday and they cover a ridiculous amount of information. Of the million chapters we had to read in our one ton basic nursing book, the hardest for me was the chapter on pain.

I knew going into nursing school would bring back memories of my long-term hospitalization in high school. I didn't expect my first tears to be from reading about pain. It's a funny thing, but reading about the differnt pains people experience brought up all the terror I went through.

 The God-awful, scary pain started the night before I was to be seen at UCLA. I was in the hotel room with my parents when the pain started. As the hours passed the pain got worse and worse. Every time I moved it felt like my bones were shattering into a million pieces and my skin was on fire and everything was wrong. I couldn't move without pain, but not moving hurt so bad too. For hours my parents tried to help me as I cried. For hours we waited for the medications to help, for me to get some relief. Finally, they called 911 and I was brought across the street in an ambulance (our hotel was associated with the hospital and therefor it was a ridiculously short ambulance ride). In the ER all I remember is a black guy telling me they had to take my shirt off me. I was 17 and had to be topless in front of however many people were around me, but I didn't even care because I wanted the pain to stop. I don't know if he was a nurse or a nursing assistant or a doctor, I just remember it hurt to take off. I got relief when they gave me IV medications, but that was shortly followed by a lumbar puncture (if my memory serves me correctly). The doctors diagnosed me with post-viral optic neuritis (the reason I had gone blind in both eyes) and said the etiology of my pain was withdrawals from steroids too quickly. We went home happy that I didn't have Devics and that the pain wouldn't come back as long as the steroids were tapered correctly.

I don't recall how long I was back home in Las Vegas before I ended up in another ambulance and back at the hospital. The pain came back there. I remember that everything hurt so badly that if someone moved the air above my skin it felt like I was being beat. I had one doctor who didn't seem to care and would always sit on my bed. My mother and I told him over and over again that that caused me pain but he didn't seem to care. He's one of the major reasons I am not a huge fan of neurologists.

There was one night in that the pain medications stopped working. Before they were keeping the pain manageable, but usually by hour three (I got a dose every four hours) I was starting to get very uncomfortable. This particular night, by the time I got my dose I was in agony. I eagerly waited for it to kick in (which IV meds do pretty darn fast), but it never did. Getting through the next four hours was miserable, and once I got my next dose, it was again ineffectual. At one point I remember I was screaming because the pain was so bad. My mom was pleading for me to be quiet but I just wanted to die. I was so overwhelmed by how I felt like every molecule of my being was tearing apart. She tried telling me that there was another lady a few doors down who had broken a bunch of her bones in a terrible car accident and it wasn't fair to her or anyone else that I was screaming. I couldn't control myself, I just wanted someone to help me, to save me from what my body was doing to me. I don't remember my nurse from that night, I just remember that she kept apologizing because she couldn't do anything else for me seeing that it was in the middle of the night. As soon as she could in the morning she called my opthomologist and he immediately ordered a stronger medication for me. The pharmacy would not dispense it because they thought it was an error and waited to confirm it with him. I understand the pharmacist making sure everything was correct, but it was misery waiting that extra half hour for them to get in touch with him and get the medication to my nurse. Once my doctor made his hospital rounds he gave my mom his personal cell number and told her to call him in the middle of the night if that ever happened again. He was the best.

Eventually I was moved up to the rehab floor. I was going to be released after just a few days until I had a meltdown on the pain doctor. I was so scared to come off the IV medications and go home and end up in the pain again. He decided to keep me a few more days to make sure I was okay with the PO regumine that he had prescribed to me. Luckily the liquid morphine was enough to keep me from any major trouble.

Months and months later, I had been getting at home healthcare visits for IVIg infusions and I had a new nurse who administered the medication wrong and caused me to end up back in the hospital for a few days. While I was there I had a male nurse who was a giant asshole. He labeled me as looking for pain medicine and convinced the doctor to release me. He did all this while my mom was not in the hospital. I was so mad because the last thing I wanted to do was be in the hospital, but I know that was where I needed to be at that point. The next day I collapsed outside my general physicians office because I was so unwell.

In my reading of the chapter it says that pain is whatever a patient says it is. Most of my experiences in the hospital, I was treated that way. I was treated with respect that I was not a drug addict looking for medication, but a child going through a terrible sickness who needed help. The few instances where I was treated as a drug seeker, well, all I have to say about those people is I hope they found a different profession because you can't help people if you are judging them.

My nursing textbook says that chemical dependence to an opioid medication is expected and treatable and different than addiction. For years I have been saying that I had an addiction to the drugs I was on, not because.I wanted the high, but because I couldn't help it. Now I know that I really wasn't addicted. I know that I just had a chemical reaction, one that my mom and I overcame so that I could get my head back. I didn't care about the high, I hated it. I hate hearing about the dumb things I said when I was on pain medications. I hate hearing about the things I did when I was on pain medications. I hate that there is almost a year of my life that I don't remember much of because of the pain medications. I wish the people who treated me like an addict had remembered that even if I was, being an addict is not a reason to throw someone out of a hospital because it doesn't meant that they don't really have pain. My textbook was clear about that. It is important to notice addictive behaviors, but it is also important to treat a patient. My book also said that while addiction is a problem, only 1% of people who take opioid medications get addicted to it, so addiction shouldn't be the first thought in a healthcare providers mind.

 One of my biggest fears in life is that that pain will come back. I never want to feel like that again. I don't wish that anguish on anyone, and I think having experienced it will make me a better nurse. So many people in my class talk about how they have medical personelle in their family or they saw a loved one get sick which made them want to be a nurse. I don't think most of them have felt the pain and fear like I have, which will give me an upper hand in taking care of patients in pain.  

Sorry for the rambling, thank you for reading.

XOXO,
KABO

First Week of Nursing School

Well, that flew by. I was expecting something much harder (like a pop quiz), but things were pretty mellow this week.

The first day we went over syllabi and things to know. We did a brief intro to the nursing process, but nothing crazy. I expected to go home so overwhelmed, but I wasn't. I prepared 54 pages of notes, so I felt pretty darn prepared for everything we did cover from the readings.

The second day was the first day of DCP. DCP is directed clinical practice which is our on-campus simulation labs and off-campus actual clinical. There is a rule that we aren't allowed to speak about what happens in DCP. This makes sense for two reasons: 1)I have the first DCP out of four sections, if we spoke about what happened that would give the other sections unfair advantage about what to expect 2)getting used to keeping things secret is good practice to comply with HIPAA laws. So, while I'm sure there is going to be so much I would love to share, this is my heads up as to why I can't. Sorry all.

Today would normally be my long DCP day, but we don't have actual DCP for a few weeks, so instead today we learned about study skills and learning and personality profiles. Guess what I came out as? I came out as an over-achiever who expects everyone to be competent and who can be detached and kind of an asshole. Obviously, I wasn't surprised. While I already incorporate some of the study tips, others I will ignore and others I will try to utilize.

You would expect that starting school finally would be the best thing about my week, but by far it wasn't. Monday  at 11:26PM Oklahoma time, my first little grand baby was born. Now, technically I'm not a grandma. Dave and I were never married so Cierra was never actually my step-daughter, and now that I'm not with Dave it makes things even less of mine to claim. I get this, but I spoke with Cierra and she knows that I love her and her brothers no matter my relationship with Dave and she welcomes another adult in Tripp's life who will love and care for him. I would never want to step on the toes of his actual grandmothers, which is why I am going to be his "Lolli" and not a traditional grandma name. I'm so blessed that Cierra is the person that she is. Most girls whose fathers started another family with a woman just a few years older would have been total bitches about it, but Cierra has always been so accepting. When I left Dave and took Kiera across the country, Cierra has still kept in touch with me. When she announced her pregnancy to her family, Kiera and I were included, we didn't find out through Facebook. Cierra texted me after every doctor's appointment, as soon as she was admitted to the hospital, and within an hour of Tripp being born. The best thing about my week was being a part of Cierra's special day. The best part of my week was Cierra showing me that I matter and am a part of her family. One of my biggest fears leaving Dave was losing the kids and it feels so great that I haven't.

Well, I have a ton of homework to get started on, so I will see ya next week.

XOXO,
KABO

Nursing School is Just Around the Corner. . .

Nursing school starts on Monday. It's crazy to think that I'm finally here and I thought now would be a good time to share my journey. Looking back, it's quite the winding road.

One could say my path to nursing began when I was 16 and a junior at Centennial. I took Dr. Aten's Anatomy and Physiology class. Anyone who took his class knows the passion he had, and the ability to teach. A&P is a daunting class, but he made it enthralling. My senior year, I took his epidemiology class. Mind you, I only was in it for the first semester, second semester my immune system decided I should live epidemiology rather than study it. When I started college my original major was biology. I wanted to work for the CDC as an epidemiologist. Growing up I always enjoyed science, but it was learning under Dr. Aten and Mr. G that really made me want to follow those passions in my future. Being sick though, I ended up deciding to pursue my other love- literature. There ended my path in epidemiology or biology as a future.

Fast forward to after Kiera was born. Dave and I both worked graveyard and with no family (that would/could help) in Vegas, we were constantly struggling to get help watching her when we had to go to work. Most of the time our good friend Sky watched Kiera, once she was back working graveyard we had a young girl helping us out, and many times when something fell through we had other amazing friends who stepped in (like Jen & George, Hillary, Erin, or Charlie). There were times though when we had nobody. I had a 40/hr week job with benefits and decent stability, Dave worked 24 or so hours with no benefits and no security. Somehow, any time there was an issue with a sitter, it was I who had to call out, it was I who had to put my job on the line. There was no compromise on that, no care that my name and my work ethic was being tarnished. When I was offered a full-time job at the new casino in town I was about to be on my last and final due to absences. I took the job happily, knowing I would be on day shift and babysitter problems would be over. Two months after starting, Dave lost his job. I was making decent money, but it was a huge strain. A month later I was laid off. Our world came crashing down. We were both unemployed, I had not replenished my savings account after my maternity leave, and Dave didn't even have a bank account. What I had saved didn't last long. It took three months for us both to find jobs. Dave ended up at one of the shittiest bars in Las Vegas on graveyard, I ended up at a slightly less shitty one on day shift. It was there that I found my way onto the path of nursing.

It didn't take long for me to get to know my regulars and for them to get to know me. One day one of them asked me why I wasn't doing something more with my life (he didn't mean it in a mean way, I promise). He told me that his mother was a nurse and I reminded him of her and he could see me as a nurse. His comment got my gears rolling. My mom was a nurse and she had done so much for me when I had been sick. She had always know what was wrong with my sisters and I growing up, had always taken the best care of us. I was a mother now and started thinking of what being a nurse would mean to me as a mother, of how much more I could give Kiera. I reached out to my mom and she said it was a great idea. It made sense to me. I always loved science and had previously wanted to work in a related field. Dave and I were in financial ruin and nurses are in such high demand that it would be a secured future. I especially loved the idea of how flexible it was, there were so many different ways to be a nurse and career opportunities that I was sure I could find my place.

I started looking into colleges and asking people in Vegas what they knew about the programs in town. I did research and decided the school I liked best was Roseman. I was in contact with the advisor there and slowly started getting myself together to apply to the program. The first thing I did was take the TEAS V exam. I had not yet started my pre-reqs, but still scored in the 98% of the nation (a part of me would love to take it now and see if I could score near perfect). I did so well because I had Dave's support and for weeks I spent a few hours a day studying and taking practice exams. His help with Kiera led to my success. The advisors at Roseman were elated, they told me it was one of, if not the highest score they had ever seen.

The first two classes I signed up for were Anatomy and Physiology through the University of New England's distance education program. Most schools offer the classes as A&P I and II, but UNE does them as two separate classes. The counselor suggested that I only take one class at a time, but I figured that with Dave's help I could once again wow Roseman by finishing the classes fast and with a killer grade. This did not go as planned for two reasons. The first was I highly underestimated the depth my professors were going to go in the classes. The second is I highly overestimated the help that Dave was going to provide me. He essentially would not allow me time to study. He told me to study when Kiera fell asleep, around 1 am. In his mind, this was acceptable. I was to work, then take care of Kiera all day, then study only after he left for work and Kiera finally fell asleep. I couldn't get her on a normal schedule because he wanted to kiss her goodbye before he left for work at a quarter to midnight. I tried to study, but I was lucky if I even had time to watch the lecture videos. I somehow passed both classes, but with Cs and just barely. I was devastated and all Dave cared to do was berated me, to put down me trying to make a better life for Kiera and our family. I will never understand why he didn't throw all his support behind me. I was trying to get into a profession that is respected and pays well, he wanted me to stay working as a bartender or cocktail waitress. The service industry is one in which a woman has a time stamp, but Dave pretty much wanted me to stay in it indefinitely.

As my relationship with Dave continued to derail, my parents offered us an opportunity to move with them and get back on our feet. I wanted nothing more than to save my family and my parent's offer would have given us the chance to relieve stress and build our relationship again. Dave declined the offer immediately and didn't even tell me about it for days (my dad had spoken to him man to man). He refused to consider it, but I didn't. As the home situation got worse and worse, I finally decided enough was enough. I left in the middle of the night, was granted a restraining order, and filed for custody.

Fast forward a few months to my move to Maryland. When I got here my plan was to attend Salisbury University's advanced BSN program. Everyone I met told me that I should go to Chesapeake because it was so amazing. I poo-pooed them. My first semester at Chesapeake though, I realized what a gem the school was when my microbiology teacher was a MIT graduate. Second semester, my friend Rachel and I went to the tour of the HPAC building and holy moly is it impressive. In case you don't know, which I'm sure you don't, it includes a full-size ambulance and car (for the EMT students), a fully equipped surgery room (for the surgical tech students), an apartment (both EMT rescues and criminal studies students), state of the art radiology equipment (as in only five schools in the country have it and little ole Chesapeake college is one of them!), and for the nurses- a doctor's office and two simulation labs. I still applied for the program at Salisbury because it would be a year and a half for a bachelor's degree as opposed to two years for the associates. Unfortunately, the only pre-reqs I had completed by the time the application was due (they didn't have to be completed yet) were the two Cs in Anatomy and Physiology. Had the application been due two weeks later I would have had much better grades to show them, but it wasn't and I got waitlisted. I was sad, but really felt like maybe Chesapeake would be better for me.

In June I found out that I was accepted to the Chesapeake program and since then it has been a whirlwind of getting things together. I had to get three shots. I had a reaction to one and ended up on steroids for two weeks. Those lead to some really fun side effects, namely terrible insomnia and constant dizziness. One of the shots was for Varicella (chicken pox), what sucks is I have had chicken pox and the varicella vaccine before, which means that my not immune status on my titer report may indicate that I will never be immune to varicella. I guess only time will tell.

So, on Monday I start in my first nursing class. I'm not quite done with my homework yet (and by not done I mean I have 3 1/2 of the 12 chapters read... I better get on that). My friend and I worked our schedule out so that we have all our classes together. I'm not nervous, yet I am. I am nervous that I wont be good at the practical application of nursing. I'm nervous that I will be one of the students who is used to all As and struggles miserably in the program. Only time will tell what kind of nursing student I will be. Only time will tell what kind of nurse I will be. I'm excited to start the journey.

This semester will be a tough one. I have one last co-requisite course to complete (others, like microbiology and human growth and development I took this past year) along with my nursing classes. I'm also going to do another honors project this semester (already working on the topic with my prof) so that is going to tie up even more time (and I'll most likely be needing respondents to the survey part of it, so get ready to help me with that once I write it up). I quit my job in order to have time for everything, including quality time with Kiera. I even cut my hair off so that I wouldn't have to worry about spending a lot of time on it every morning. I'm also going to delete all my social apps off my phone. Lord knows I spend far too much time on Facebook (I know it's a running joke with some of my friends that I always like all their posts lol). I'll pop on from time to time, probably to just upload the link to my latest blog post. One of my goals for the semester is to post something once a week. So, please don't anyone think I am purposefully ignoring you or your birthdays or anything, I just need to be wiser about my time management. My love for you all wont go away, just my constant presence will while I'm in school.

Well, this post has ended up being far longer than I anticipated and is probably far too personal, but isn't that what blogs are for? For anyone who got to the end, thanks for sticking with me. Cross your fingers and wish me luck as this new chapter starts in my life.

XOXO,
KABO

A Year and a Half as a Single Mom

Becoming a mother truly changes a woman. Some of the changes are immidiate, some are gradual.

When I first learned that I was pregnant, I was so unprepared for what was coming. I entered motherhood dramatically, as seems to be my style in life. I was unwed, unsure of the paternity, and ignorant to the changes that would be occurring.

Kiera has made me a better woman, or maybe it is that she has changed me into a woman. Before I had her, my concerns were so innocent. As a mother, I stress over every move I make, wondering if I will be doing what is best for her.

Leaving Dave will always be the best decision of my life. Being with Dave will always be one of the best decisions of my life as well. Dave not only made me a mother, he made me a step-mother. Maybe it wasn't technical since we were never married, but those kids are Kiera's siblings and I will always love them. Dave was the love of my life, despite the fact that our relationship was toxic for me. I'm so thankful for the love we had and even more thankful that I have moved on past it.

I have now been a single mother for a year and a half. It's odd to think that much time has transpired. It's motivating to think of what I have done in that amount of time. I "won" the custody battle (technically we settled in mediation, but I got what I wanted), I moved to the other side of the country, I kicked ass in school, I made new friends and kept my old ones, I got into nursing school with more than one scholarship, I was inducted into the honor society, and I've found a lot of peace in who I am.

Since I left Dave, people have been telling me that one day I'll find a man who will appreciate me. I'll find someone who will complement me. I'll find someone who will make me his wife and make me his life. When I first left Dave, I was too hurt to think about being with another man. As time went on I often wondered if maybe we could work things out, if maybe I could get back the family I adored. This past summer though, I realized that not only do I not want to get back with Dave, but I don't want to be with anyone. I love being a single mom.

Yup, you read that right, I love being a single mom and I have no intention of ever changing that status.

Why? Why would I chose to be alone? Is it because I am too hurt from my relationship with Dave? Absolutely not. Is it because I don't feel like I deserve a good man? No way, I know I'm awesome (haha).

I love being a single mom because I love who I am. I am messy and high-maintenance and high strung. I love a house full of crazy dogs and cats and kids. Dishes in the sink don't bother me, I can spend an entire day or week lost in a book, I like to get up and be spontaneous, and I eat far too much cheese. I love that Kiera and I are best friends. I love how silly and smart and amazing she is. I have big goals for what I want to accomplish in the next ten years and I don't want anyone getting in the way of what I have planned for Kiera and myself.

Maybe saying I want to be alone forever is premature. People I have spoken with about it tell me that 30 is just too young to say that. Maybe they are right. Maybe when I am not living with my parents and I am truly living as a single mom I will hate it. Maybe I will realize that having a partner isn't that bad. I hope not though. I hope that I can raise Kiera on my own, show her how to be strong and independent. There is nothing wrong with getting help, but also nothing wrong with just being who you are.

So, a year and a half into this journey as a single mom and I think I am doing pretty well for myself. I learn more every day about myself. I learn how much I can handle. I learn so much about who I want to be.

So, for anyone reading this who is a single parent, I hope you find the peace about it that I have. You don't have to have the same outlook for your future, but I hope you can find the good in it for yourself too.

Xoxo
KABO