2014

The close of 2014 brings two things- 1)The close of another year of my life and the ups and downs that come with day to day living 2)The end of my daughter's first year of being alive.  It's so strange how much I have been through and how much I have grown. This was my year with all the good and bad and in-betweens

Kiera

I can't believe how much this little girl has taught me about life. I've never been a huge baby fan, or even little kid fan.  I like children and all, but I never really got it.  Having Kiera has been such a lesson.  Every day I love her more and more, it just doesn't make sense.  I want her to get older and stay little at the same time. I want to cuddle her and kiss her and be with her always, but I also cherish when she wants to play on her own or hang with her daddy or just takes a nap.  I can't read a story or watch a movie when a child goes missing or gets hurt without wanting to just hold her and protect her from the world. I can't imagine how parents deal with losing a child. I can't imagine what my life was like before I had her in it and how I got through every day without seeing her perfect little smile. She taught me to stop being selfish because I think of her first always now. She also taught me to be less vain.  My body is NOWHERE near where I am happy with, and a lot of that is my own excuses, but a lot of it is also because I continue to breastfeed her and eat more calories so my milk is healthy for her growing body (it is recommended to eat 300 more calories when breastfeeding than you did when you were pregnant!). It has also made me wonder about how my body image will develop her own image growing up.  I don't want her to go through the anorexia that I struggled with (and denied hardcore) in high school, I want her to be healthy. Having her makes me look at my parents differently, understanding so much more of why they did the things they did. Kiera is beyond a blessing in my life and even though I never pictured myself here and even though I sometimes wonder if life would be better if I had done this or that, at the end of the day I am happier than I could ever be if I didn't have her.

My Stepkids

It's so hard to have "stepkids" who aren't really stepchildren.  Every day I'm trying to figure out how to be in their lives without stepping on the toes of Dave and his ex-wife. There are times I fail miserably and snap at them for whatever they are doing wrong which only lands me in hot water with Dave, who will always take their side. There are times that I try to be cool with them and be their buddy, but it seems pretty obvious that they think I am lame and don't have any intention of really opening up to me. Moving in with Dave this year meant learning every day to try and find a balance and try to be there for them and make the transition easier for them as well.  I'm the first woman their dad has lived with since he and their mom split. Their dad started a new family with me and I never ever want them to feel like they aren't still his number one priority. It's been so great being a real part of their lives this year, especially meeting Cierra and Chad who live far too far away. I'm so lucky to have them all in my family and while it hasn't always been a smooth ride, it's been an amazing year getting to know them and love them.

Moving in Together

I've "lived" with a boyfriend before, I've given my keys to a boyfriend before, but actually being 100% roommates with Dave has been a lot to take in. Since we moved in together AFTER Kiera was born, it's been even tougher getting into the habit of sharing everything. I'm super messy and Dave is super tidy. We drive each other nuts with that difference alone. When you live on your own you get into habits of doing things certain ways and moving in together means so many compromises.  It has caused us to both let go of things mentally and physically. For instance, I gave my incredible pillow-top mattress to my stepson Kyle for his room/the guest room. We did this because it was a queen and Dave's bed was a king. We even just got a newer mattress than the one he brought into the house (which was crap and I hated).  My grandfather's table didn't fit our new family so we traded our friend the small table we had for her larger, six-seater.  Letting go entirely of my Poppy's furniture was hard but I know it worked out better for both families in the end (as her table was too big for her and her son's small apartment).  There are so many more things that we have to replace and will eventually do. I want a new bedroom set for us. I envision a very royal (as in what you would have found in the castles of kings of the past) bedroom set and theme, Dave doesn't really care as long as there is no footboard to the bed frame and that the wood is somewhere around a cherry color. We need to replace our mis-matched living room with a new set. We both agree that a pit couch would be ideal, but it turns out that no stores we have visited sell them. Buying something like that online scares me because it will be a lot of money and I'm worried it won't be as comfortable or nice once it was delivered. Living together also showed me how alike and similar we are to each other. I feel like some days are so hard, but for the most part, I love waking up by his side every day and I wouldn't ever want to live without him again.

Cars

One HUGE thing we did this past year had to do with the car situation. When I first moved back to Vegas I bough a used Xterra, figuring it would be a good car if I decided to start a family before it needed to be traded in for something newer.  When I met Dave, he had a car that was really on its' last leg, but that he loved because his father gave it to him before he passed away. With Kiera's birth, neither of our cars had the six seats we needed for us and all the children to fit.  We both made the difficult decision to sacrifice for the safety of the kids.  I put myself 50,000 in debt buying a brand new Suburban and Dave sold his car so he could use the more reliable Xterra.  Many people thought we were nuts doing this when we aren't married, but we know that we are family for the long run so it didn't scare either of us at all.

Dogs

Another commitment Dave and I made this past year had to do with pets.  First, when I was pregnant we took Rebel in or he would have ended up in the pound. I consider this a rescue because all we did was take out the shelter as a middle man. Then, the day before we moved in together, I had to make the heartbreaking choice to put George down. George had been my best friend for 16.5 years and letting him go was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I still feel the pain of his loss and I don't think that it will ever go away. He had been getting sick for a very long time and it wasn't until one day that he had three accidents in the matter of a few hours that I really realized that he was ready. We had tried to let him out and it didn't matter, he had no control over his functions anymore. I will never forget poor Rebel, who loved him so much, trying to help him go outside and not understanding why George wouldn't walk or move or do anything. He wasn't happy anymore, I could see it in his eyes that he was just existing. He couldn't see or hear, he didn't play or wag his tail. I sometimes wonder if I waited too long, if I kept him alive for selfish reasons when I should have let him have peace sooner. I also wonder if I should have let him die naturally, let him make that choice on his own. Being a pet mommy is so much harder than non-pet people could ever understand. After George's death we saw that Rebel was very sad being alone and I missed having my own little guy (as Rebel really is Dave's dog- but don't tell him I said so!). For Valentine's day Dave ended up getting me my boxer, Rocky. He is such a sweetheart and so cute and funny. Rebel and him were instantly best friends. For months we felt like our family was complete with the two of them. Then, one day we started talking about shelter dogs and decided to see if there were any puppies in town. When we saw Blu's face on Petfinder we knew that he was for us. Just a few days later we were approved by A Home For Spot to adopt him and we welcomed him into our family. He is the sweetest little guy and such a blessing for us. It's so hard for me to think that he was on a kill list and then being fostered with no interested families for about a month. Everyone who passed him up definitely missed out on an incredible dog.

It Works and Jobs

The past year also brought about a lot of change for us financially.  To begin with, I decided to start my own business and become an It Works distributor. It took me a while to start profiting from my business because I thought I was smarter than my mentors and didn't need to listen to them. As soon as I did I started getting texts and emails from people wanting to know more about my products. Working in a network marketing company has also forced me to put myself out there more. I have so much more to learn and need to continue to put myself out of my comfort zone.

On the full-time job front there have been some serious ups and downs.  I went back to cocktailing and it just wasn't the same. The staff changed and the management started to really treat graveyard poorly and it was miserable. It also didn't help that it was so hard working those hours and having a baby. I got no sleep and it was always a struggle to find a sitter who we could rely on. Then, like a gift from God, I was offered a full-time bartending job making incredible money at the new casino on the strip. Leaving a full-time job with seniority was hard but I figured it was the best move for my family. It was a good move because shortly after I started, Dave unfortunately lost his job when new management was brought into his bar. I made enough to pay all our bills but it sucked not having that extra amount to buy all the goodies and pay off some student loan debt. Things got worse though, when I was fired three days before probationary period was over. I had no call outs, no tardies, no write ups. I had great customer reviews and worked hard to make the bar run smoother. I was fired and people with infractions kept their jobs. It was terrible. Everything happens for a reason though so I appreciate that I got three months more experience under my belt. I appreciate the time home with my daughter. I appreciate that I have had more time to focus on my It Works business (which has really helped out).


So, all in all, this was a year of learning and growth and I can't wait to see what 2015 will bring me and my family!