Thoughts

So right now I should be doing homework, I mean it's 2:30 in the morning and I still haven't done my Latin nor sent my project notes to my group so that the blonde guy can make up the power point.  My mind and heart are just not into doing those things right now.  Instead I'm sitting here and contemplating my life and myself and whatnot.

I was browsing my facebook and looking through old pictures, seeing all the good times I have had, all the friends I no longer speak to, how my body has gone through times of being really skinny but I never see myself that way.  I think my issue tonight is that I'm no longer comfortable in Oxford.  Out here I can't really be myself without being judged.  I stress over the fact that my clothes never fit in, that people judge me for wearing white even though it's after Labor day, for not following the boring styles of the city, I stress over looking too out of place, of being too fat, of blending in and not standing out in good way, it's not that I'm unhappy here but at the same time it is.  I feel insecure and lonely but at the same time I like myself and don't want to hang out with basically anyone I know in town. What's funny is that as much as I get sick of Vegas and feel trapped there at least I can be me there. Nobody looks at you funny if you have piercings or crazy colored hair or skimpy clothes on. Vegas really can be a place to feel free and I miss that. I mean in Vegas I felt like a hot girl, whether or not people looked at me that way doesnt matter because that's just how I felt. I mean I was cocktailing and being told a million times a day how beautiful I was (mind you it was either by old sweet people or drunkies but still it felt good lol).  I don't feel that way out here, I feel like people see a sign on my forehead that says "NOT SOUTHERN" so they disregard me, not wanting a friend or girl who doesn't fit some dumb ass mold.

I just wish I had more time for me.  When I take time to relax I end up regretting it because I have so much stuff to do.  I need a minute to breath. I wish I had time to go on runs and just work out and de-stress.  I don't want to go back into work, I really don't want to see those people again, but I also don't want to ask my dad to fully support me, he shouldn't have to, I'm 23 and should already have graduated and been taking care of myself. Maybe I'll just take out a personal loan so that I can not work and just focus on my classes and have less to worry about. It would help because working on Wednesdays is really killing me because I have tests on Thursdays and with work I basically don't have time to study for them because I get home late. Maybe I'll ask my dad if it's ok if I change to just working weekends for a while while I'm taking so many classes. Idk. I have to figure out what would be best for me.

I think things would be better if I felt comfortable with how I looked.  I need to lose weight and at this point I feel like I'm going to have to be basically not eating in order to do that.  To save money and cut calories I think I'm going to just finish the juices I have in my fridge and start only drinking water. Then I'm just going to cut out pasta's and eat fruits and veggies. I wont cut out cheese because I like it too much so I'll be getting my fair share of calories from that. Once I start loosing weight (which freaking better happen) I'll feel a lot better. I'm always happiest when I'm skinny, and by skinny I mean so much so that other people get nervous that I need to eat, as in like 115lbs. I haven't been that thin for like two years but I'm gunna get back there because I miss all the cute clothes that I have that I'm too fat for right now grr. On top of that I'm going to pester my mom until she finds my freaking extensions and then I'll make her send me them and my heater thingy and I'll buy some of the bonding pieces online and I'll either put my extensions in myself or have my mom come out and do them for me (yeah we may not be hairdressers but we watched Chris do them enough to know how to do it ourselves). Once I'm back to being skinny with long, beautifully full hair I'll look more like the girl I feel like inside. Screw these bitches and assholes out here...I know what makes me happy and I'm going to just do it! And part of that will be getting blonde highlights again because I just have to have my blonde!

Well now it's 3:30 basically, I've wasted an hour of my night crying on the phone with my mom because I'm so stressed and writing this and yelling at my dogs for being annoying and loud and just getting on my nerves and now it's really just time to get my fucking homework done. I doubt I'll be getting much sleep, if any tonight but it is what it is I guess.  All that matters is graduating and this semester may be killing me but it'll be worth it in the end when I'm 21 credits closer to graduating. Hell three of those credits should be finished sometime in the next two or three weeks I think (as long as I don't fall of schedule that is!).  Well if you found this post pathetic then I'm sorry but try putting yourself in my shoes- 7 classes, a job, bills, two dogs to take care of, and all of my best friends not living in town anymore. It sucks, I have every right to bitch.

Love and Kisses,
KABO